I believe my last post was in April and since then things have been up and down, left and right. I am really struggling with anxiety and depression and there’s no denying it anymore.
My life since April has been busy, to say the least. I let my self-care slip–or maybe I chose to check out for a little–I’m not sure and I’m not going to dwell on it. Building up through April I was overcome with anxiety and stress and I ended up moving into a new apartment.
I love my new apartment and it has only been healthy for me–the timing of it however, was challenging. I moved in the end of April and was on a plane to New Orleans for work on May 5th. Since then I have been nonstop: from trips with friends to work trips being thrown together in a month’s time.
I traveled to New Orleans, Las Vegas and Nashville–which all were amazing and I have no complaints there. However, upon getting back from Nashville in the beginning of July I am now sitting with how not okay I am.
I’m good at pretending I have it all together and even had myself convinced for while. I now realize how detrimental pretending is to my mental health. I feel as if any moment I could fall apart and I am keeping it together but just barely. It feels like anything could set me off and I don’t want to be this person anymore.
I don’t feel myself and I can’t do it anymore. I’m not myself and haven’t been for a year. The truth is that I need medication and I’m finally ready to accept that. I talk a big game about knowing medication is necessary for some people and that there isn’t anything to be embarrassed about, when the reality is I don’t want to consider myself one of those people.
I’ve been trying to convince myself that my anxiety and depression aren’t extreme enough for medication and maybe if I just: got my iron levels up/moved/stopped traveling/had some time to myself–fill in the blank honestly, I keep waiting for something to “fix me” but a year later I still don’t feel myself.
My mind isn’t stable right now and it’s scary to admit and acknowledge. I am ready though because I am ready to be a better daughter, partner and friend. My parents and Nolan continuously support me and I know my mental health issues have caused them stress. They care about me so much and it pains me to see them stressed. Pretending isn’t worth it anymore.
Antidepressants scare me and knowing they might not make things better terrifies me but I am done being this shell of a person. I want to enjoy living every day and I don’t want to sweat the small stuff anymore–this is no way to live my life.
In the next few weeks I have some appointments to talk about my experiences and what my options will be. I am scared but also very hopeful that taking these steps will get me closer to feeling like myself again.
Anxiety and depression run in my family so they understand and my wonderful family keeps supporting me each and every day. If you’re struggling and don’t have a support system behind you, I want to be your support because it’s a daunting journey to endure alone.